jackofallgeeks | Searching for Criticism

I enjoy writing, but I fear I'm not very good at it.
At the very least, the inspiration only hits me at times.

This is an older composition of mine - I probably wroite this incarnation about a year ago, but it's yet another 'piece' of a storyline I've had floating around my skull since the 7th grade. I've been able to peg down a number of places I want to take the story (most of which exist only in notes) but I have trouble with actually getting the story there. I've written and re-written the opening scene half a dozen times. Each time, it's a little bit different, but some basic themes remain.

ANYWAYS, this incarnation I found when opening up MSWorks to write my paper, and I thought I'd post it up here. What I'm looking for is actually two-fold: First, if anything in particular strikes you, something you like or something you think works well, let me know. Secondly, if you have any ideas as to how I could make this piece better, I'd like to hear it. I've been told that I can be dry and narrative, and that I also have a tendancy to sound forced in my descriptions; the latter of the two I'm quite at a loss as to remedying it.

Oh, you can also feel free to just read it, if that's your thing, but any comments (even 'WaHah, keh keh keh') are more than welcome.
...and i'll try to remember none of this is personal...

<td>The land groaned with remembered agony. Blue lightning split the sky, which was a churning mass of sickly, green-gray clouds. The air smelled of smoke and blood, and the fields still smoldered. The ground was split and broken, the vegetation was burned away and the soil underneath fused into large slabs. Green and blue lights danced in the skies, an eerie display, but neither sun nor moon could be found. The farm house lay in ruins. Beams and boards split, it lay in a massive heap, surrounded by destruction as far as the horizon. The terrain was featureless in it's desolation, everything reduced to charred masses. Here and there, a tree remained standing after the carnage, twisted and torn in its own right, blackened and lifeless. He had managed to crawl out of the collapsed building. Pain shot through his right arm as he dragged himself across the ground with his left, tears streaming down his face. The tears and warm, smoking air blowing around him caused his scrapes and cuts to sing in sharp notes of pain. He sat up against a wooden board that had been stuck into the black earth. His shirt was torn to rags, and his pants were in little better condition. Sitting there, he could do little but cry for long minutes. He wiped the tears off his face with the back of his dirt-covered hand. His right arm was unresponsive - pain shot through it when he looked at the large gash down the side. There was pain again as he staggered up to his feet. Only one of his leather sandals was still intact as he took his first dizzying steps. Somewhere in the collapse of the house, the straps had broken on his left one, and he walked shakily on, grasping his right arm as he went. He passed a broken, blackened tree. Only a few hours ago that dead wood had been vibrantly green and brown. It would've been one of the fruit trees, he thought. His eyes watering from the smoky air, he took another few shaky steps, towards the distant forest on the horizon.</td>

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I have to agree, he seems to be young, but mature. Would a seven year old be moving if he was that injured?

I like to think shock can have an interesting effect on people.
-Smacks Louis around a bit-
(Yeah, that would EVER happen in Real Life...)
Don't question me.
Or if you do, at least offer a useful solution.

okay okay, you're right, offer a solution, but you wanted cirticism!
Okay now you have to remember that I havn't read all of you notes, so I have no idea where this story is going.

You mentioned that the story will take place over an extened amount of time, maybe make him older at this point if possible?
I got the impression that this was the beggining of the story, if it isn't, have something before this showing that the sveen year old is abnormally strong or mature, you don't have to say why, just suggest it.
Don't put as much emphasis on the details of the pain. The physical pain you describe suggests a stronger mentality to deal with it.
Show that the character is mentally effected as well. A child in that condition can't be fiully aware, especially if he is in that much pain. Don't make it seem like he knows where he is going. Elaborate more on the fruit tree. Don't have him think that it could have been a fruit tree, show him remembering it.

Those are just some suggestions. but remember its your writing and not anyone else's, so if you like it than it should stick.

Criticism without solutions is like...
Skrew it, it's not good, s'all. ^_^;;

Hmmm, older kind of works and kind of doesn't. See, they key is he's not supposed to remember a good deal of what happens, though I'm thinking more and more he could have just blocked it out. His age at the beginning of the story and then respectively as the action moves on makes an impact on character interactions.

The other two kind of tie in. I suppose maybe I should tone down my emphasis in places. At the same time, I haven't gotten much into character development yet. I suppose, however, emphasizing both the fact that he's mentally shaken up, and in emotional turmoil, before we start him on his way might be worth while. I'm rather at a loss as to how, exactly, to show that.

"Skrew it, it's not good, s'all. ^_^;;"

Thats bullshit with a capital F.

I thought it was realy good. er um, until I found out he was 7.... then I think it lost me

LOL
I was refering to 'criticism without a solution' not my writing.
Saying 'It's bad' doesn't do anything, while saying 'It coule be better, see?' accomplishes something. In my comment, those first two lines are supoosed to go together. I call it 'humor.'

I dunno - if I were seven, even if I were injured, I'd sure as hell want to know what had just happened. Children are curious beasties, even if they're wounded. Anyway, I know that when I was that age and I got hurt, I'd want to find an adult to fix whatever was wrong with me, so I'd get up and look around for one, even if I was in pain.

Maybe that's just me, though. Maybe I was an abnormal child.

no I think thats the most normal thing anyonehas said so far actually... (no offense)

I think you're right though, he would be more likely to look for an adult. The setting implys that there has been massive destruction though, which could mean they are all dead....

Anyway, I think thats a good insight, not many of can remember how we thought when we were seven. good for leslie!

Searching for Criticism

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