Colosseum

[jackofallgeeks]

There was a deafening sound, a sound like a thousand waves crashing into the same sea-cliff. His breathing came hard as the crowd cheered, and he dropped the hilt of his blade. His body was slick with blood - his own as well as that of the creature - and his skin was grimey and pale from the coating of dust. The sun beat down furiously on him; it had been a good show. Perhaps next time he would be allowed to win. Not this time, though. He had been meant to lose this fight. His blade had broken on the first swing, and he should have been little match for the beast unarmed. The Overseers would still make their profit, all the same, but he would be punished. Punished for surviving.

Comments

Maximus, Level 1 [don't sack me, Chris...]

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Good call on the repetition. I seem to miss those, I think.

You're right on the 'show, don't tell' rule, and I suppose I could replace 'fight' with 'match,' but it all seems the same to me. As far as it being self-conflicting... well, yes, I suppose when you think of a gladatorial fight, you imagine one lives, one dies, and the survivor is that winner. Obviously, that holds true here - you can't really declare the dead one the winner in a fight to the death. However, that doesn't mean he was supposed to win - as you might gather bythe language I used (hell, I think I flat out said it).
The simple fact of the matter - this match, like many in history was rigged. You play the crowd. there's probably alot of betting going on. People who go to a colusseum want two things - a nice show, and some death. the Overseers in this piece are running the place, and they wanted the narrator dead. And he's not. They aren't going to be happy.
>_< Enough, though, I don't like explaining too much about my own work. Show, don't tell.

I'm actually trying to emphasize the whole "punished for surviving" phrase. It actually works, thematically, regardless of which word gets more stress, I think, and in my opinion may work better having 'punished' stressed. ::Shrugs::

And I suppose I could combine those sentences, but I think I prefer the way it's phrased. I think it directs the attention more internally, as even at this time of peak excitement, I'm trying to... tone-down the outter world, I guess you could say. The narrator is reflecting on the recent events. And while, yes, I could have described the fight, I haven't, and I don't know that I nessisarily intend to. I feel, in many cases, I feel the reader's imagination could paint a better picture than my ineffective words. However, Rachel has asked that I consider returning to old scenes (she liked this one particularly) and perhaps continuing with the story. And I may, at that. But for now, each snippet is autonomous.