John Noble (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jackofallgeeks) wrote2004-07-26 08:42 pm
jackofallgeeks) wrote2004-07-26 08:42 pm
Thoughtful Innuendos
I'm a little bit introspective at the moment... A combination of a number of coincidences and circumstances in the last 31 hours. I don't know, I think I've been down this discussion before.
I heard once that in any conversation you have with someone else, there are six people involved: Who you think you are, who they think you are, who you really are, who you think they are, who they think they are, and who they really are. It's an interesting idea, and I think it plays out to be true. I've also stumbled upon the idea -- the meme, perhapse -- that you will never really know another person. At times, that's been extended to ones self. I'm a pretty strong proponent of the thought that we all see things through a lense, distorted by our own perceptions. In a way, the only reality you'll only know is the one you build for yourself. But maybe I'm waxing a little heavily, now.
Sometimes, I don't like me. No, that's not really true; I really do like who I am. I've been accused rather often of being arrogant, though really, only ever by myself. At least to my knowledge, I don't think anyone has ever called me arrogant except at my own promptings, and even then I call myself on it far more often. But the truth is, I like me. I like... Well, perhapse that's for later on the page. But I think, in general, I'm a pretty nice guy. I do nice things. I even think that I'm a rather attractive man -- not the baeu ideal, or God's Model of Male Perfection, or anything like that, but I'd say I'm handsome enough, and if nothing else I clean up really well.
There are, though, Three People that I find in me, of sorts. I guess the conversation theory above holds in my inner-monologue, if a bit skewed. There's The Man I Want To Be, The Man I Am, and The Man I Fear I Am. Though I think I'm only really familiar with the first and the last, in varying degrees at different times, the True Me is somewhere between Who I Want to Be and Who I Fear I Am. The man I want to be is who I assume people see me as. He is friendly, out-going, intelligent. He has an everlasting loyalty and dedication to his friends, an undying love, and a desire for knowledge. He is courteous and respectful in discussion. He has integrity, accountability, and honor. He is sympathetic, and wants nothing more than a Love to adore and have a family with. The man I fear I am embodies all the aspects of me than I'm ashamed of, and that I would rather were not a part of me. He is angry, self-centered and selfish. The world only has relevance as concerns him. He's impatient, close-minded, short-tempered, lustful, domineering, deceitful and inconsiderate. He wants casual sex and undivided attention.
I posted about the Monkeysphere earlier, and though I'm not sure if I agree with the exact number (maybe 150 is a bigger number than I give it credit for, or maybe I think of fewer people AS people than I expect), but I think it's true in general. Our immediate Relations aside, we don't often think of people as people. No one wonders where that old man goes when he gets off the Metro. Nobody cares who the Pizzaboy is when he's not delivering pizzas. For the most part, I function on a level that doesn't take the particular into account -- I think it stems from my basis in Math/Sci as a child, theoreticals. I pride myself the most when I see beyond that, when I think of who the poor girl behind the drivetru is in her spare time, and sympathize with her. I like to think that, contrary to my impersonality-in-general, that I see people AS people a lot of the time; I flatter myself that it's more than other people.
I rented "Cruel Intentions" from Blockbuster tonight, and not because I'd heard it was a well-directed or artfully-filmed movie. It pulled an "American Beauty" on me, except that I didn't rent "American Beauty" because I wanted to see Lolita. It turned out to really have something of a point to it, a message. Something like that. It got me thinking about Who I Fear To Be, particularly because of my motivations for renting it. Sebastian was redeemed in the end.
Part of why I'm attracted to Suzannah as I am is that she encourages in me all I want to be, and discourages all I fear I am. people have mentioned that it's odd that a girl of 21 would ask her parents' permission to see a boy for an afternoon, but I rather respect that. And it's... frustrating the way her levels of Relationship play, that I may not be able to kiss her before we're nigh-engaged (I pray I'm not fooling myself that that could be a possibility), but at the same time I think it's a good idea in general. I think it will check me, in particular. It's been said that if ladies raise their expectations, men will rise to meet them; I like to think that's true.
Anyways... Juist thinking... about who I've been, who I am, and who I might be.
Now, for beer and pizza.
I heard once that in any conversation you have with someone else, there are six people involved: Who you think you are, who they think you are, who you really are, who you think they are, who they think they are, and who they really are. It's an interesting idea, and I think it plays out to be true. I've also stumbled upon the idea -- the meme, perhapse -- that you will never really know another person. At times, that's been extended to ones self. I'm a pretty strong proponent of the thought that we all see things through a lense, distorted by our own perceptions. In a way, the only reality you'll only know is the one you build for yourself. But maybe I'm waxing a little heavily, now.
Sometimes, I don't like me. No, that's not really true; I really do like who I am. I've been accused rather often of being arrogant, though really, only ever by myself. At least to my knowledge, I don't think anyone has ever called me arrogant except at my own promptings, and even then I call myself on it far more often. But the truth is, I like me. I like... Well, perhapse that's for later on the page. But I think, in general, I'm a pretty nice guy. I do nice things. I even think that I'm a rather attractive man -- not the baeu ideal, or God's Model of Male Perfection, or anything like that, but I'd say I'm handsome enough, and if nothing else I clean up really well.
There are, though, Three People that I find in me, of sorts. I guess the conversation theory above holds in my inner-monologue, if a bit skewed. There's The Man I Want To Be, The Man I Am, and The Man I Fear I Am. Though I think I'm only really familiar with the first and the last, in varying degrees at different times, the True Me is somewhere between Who I Want to Be and Who I Fear I Am. The man I want to be is who I assume people see me as. He is friendly, out-going, intelligent. He has an everlasting loyalty and dedication to his friends, an undying love, and a desire for knowledge. He is courteous and respectful in discussion. He has integrity, accountability, and honor. He is sympathetic, and wants nothing more than a Love to adore and have a family with. The man I fear I am embodies all the aspects of me than I'm ashamed of, and that I would rather were not a part of me. He is angry, self-centered and selfish. The world only has relevance as concerns him. He's impatient, close-minded, short-tempered, lustful, domineering, deceitful and inconsiderate. He wants casual sex and undivided attention.
I posted about the Monkeysphere earlier, and though I'm not sure if I agree with the exact number (maybe 150 is a bigger number than I give it credit for, or maybe I think of fewer people AS people than I expect), but I think it's true in general. Our immediate Relations aside, we don't often think of people as people. No one wonders where that old man goes when he gets off the Metro. Nobody cares who the Pizzaboy is when he's not delivering pizzas. For the most part, I function on a level that doesn't take the particular into account -- I think it stems from my basis in Math/Sci as a child, theoreticals. I pride myself the most when I see beyond that, when I think of who the poor girl behind the drivetru is in her spare time, and sympathize with her. I like to think that, contrary to my impersonality-in-general, that I see people AS people a lot of the time; I flatter myself that it's more than other people.
I rented "Cruel Intentions" from Blockbuster tonight, and not because I'd heard it was a well-directed or artfully-filmed movie. It pulled an "American Beauty" on me, except that I didn't rent "American Beauty" because I wanted to see Lolita. It turned out to really have something of a point to it, a message. Something like that. It got me thinking about Who I Fear To Be, particularly because of my motivations for renting it. Sebastian was redeemed in the end.
Part of why I'm attracted to Suzannah as I am is that she encourages in me all I want to be, and discourages all I fear I am. people have mentioned that it's odd that a girl of 21 would ask her parents' permission to see a boy for an afternoon, but I rather respect that. And it's... frustrating the way her levels of Relationship play, that I may not be able to kiss her before we're nigh-engaged (I pray I'm not fooling myself that that could be a possibility), but at the same time I think it's a good idea in general. I think it will check me, in particular. It's been said that if ladies raise their expectations, men will rise to meet them; I like to think that's true.
Anyways... Juist thinking... about who I've been, who I am, and who I might be.
Now, for beer and pizza.
no subject
when i see people, i typically like to think about who they are or what they're doing or what their lives may be like. where they're going and why - what made her smile, why he checked his watch, why that parent was screaming at their child making them cry. i'm always looking at other people and trying not only to find out about them based on the small clues you're given at initial glance, but to find a common link between myself and them. a double-blind thread that they don't even know i've already made.
i may never know these people. but i make up stories for them, i see them as people, and sometimes i think of them even years later. the baby i saw in kamrt, the teenager who cried in the mall, the guy with the balding head and gold watch.
i wonder sometimes if anyone is watching me. i guess as someone who watches random people and takes such a lasting interest in them, even in passing, i fall into the idea that everyone does this. and the truth is, not that many people DO.
one wonders, in general, how much we miss - just because we're not really looking.
Me
I say I hate crowds because I fear people judge me. This being a ridiculous idea because most people never actually look at others.
When ever I am walking, in a mall shell we say. I try to look past all the people, the crowds and noises. I try to block all of that away. Then I look. I look for some thing that just might be...different. Some one who does not dress in the common wear. some one that seems almost out of place. When I find that, I try and determine why.
Every one is influenced, by what depends on the person. But what happens to people changes there life or actions. Online not too long ago, I had a friend that was really going crazy. He quit his clan where he was, and got really angry at every one. latter that day, he was calmed down, and he told me his grandmother died. Right then I knew what had happened.
Every one has little secrets that they keep. Some times they tell them, others, don't. But every one has them. Most people now and days try and figure out what is going to make them richer, better looking, more...anything. But what people don't think about is how to make him richer, or her better looking. No one* cares about the people that don't concern them.
Well, hopefully people will change. Check my site for updates and things, I should get back to writing soon. Until latter
*I'm referring as people in general here.
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If you liked Cruel Intentions, it is based off of the original called "Dangerous Liasons" with Glen Close, John Malkovich, Uma Thurman, and Keanu Reeves. I love that movie. It is sick, twisted, perverted, and ultimately an amazing movie because of its unique characters and the study of such a foreign lifestyle. But... yeah, if you liked the modern version, try the French Revelution one. If nothing else, there are some beautiful costumes and some amazing acting.
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words
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Dory?
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Dory
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