jackofallgeeks | The Other Post (Part 2)

[Doing this in two parts, cause either LJ or DSL suxor]

So I wrote to her, this time in Email, because the game was done. I wrote this:

Dear Anastasiya,

It's difficult for me to explain how I feel, at least in a way that makes very much sense at all outside my own perspective. If it seems I find it so easy to consider you 'just a friend,' then it's only because I've been through similar straits before, on the other side, and I've come to look at things differently. I don't recognize any difference between love as a Friend and love as 'more.' Love is love is love, and the only thing that changes is how one acts on it. You haven't seen me hold myself back when I wanted to hold your hand or touch your face... I get the feeling you don't want that, and so I hold back.

I don't want to leave, I want to be here for you as best I can. But if things would be easier, if you could deal better without me, then that's why I offered. I don't want to cause you more strain than I already must.

Love is not a quantifiable thing. It's not something where there's only so much, and if you love One more then you love Two less. The more you love, the more love there is. And there will be others. Maybe you and I aren't meant to be together, maybe we aren't right for one another, but if that's the case, then please believe there will be someone else. I know how it feels, I know that it doesn't look like anything good could come out of this, and you wish you could do anything to make that If an Is. But things are never as bad as they seem.

I'm not laughing at you, Dear. I don't think you're a fool, or 'too young' or any of that other nonsense. And if anyone else does, so what? Let them. If they know you, or if they care to get to know you, they'll see there's more. You don't have to listen to anyone but yourself -- not to me, or to Jenny, or your dad or anyone else. The only thing that matters is how you percieve things, because no one except you will ever understand all the factors. If you want to be angry with me, please be angry. If you want time away, please take the time. If you need anything at all in order to deal, take it. I want you to be happy, regardless.

Yes, Anastasiya, I did love you when I said I did, and I do still now. It's the only way I understand love. And I do believe that you love me.

What do I want from you? I can't say I know myself. I want to be your friend. I want to be here for you. I want you to accept my affection, but only if it doesn't hurt. I want to touch you, and have you touch me back. When I hug you, it isn't meant to be just a gesture. It's meant to show you I still care, then I still want to be near you. It's supposed to be warm and strong and... everything it was before. My affection for you hasn't changed. I just... don't feel comfortable, right now, making the promises that being 'together' would mean for me... Maybe that doesn't make any sense...

I want you to not be afraid of me. I want you to not fear telling me something, or anything. I don't want you to be afraid of upsetting me. I want you to be yourself with me, and know that I do the same for you. I am who I present myself to be. I want you to not be afraid of what people will think -- because people think what they will, and they almost always get it wrong. And there's nothing you can do for that. You can try very long and very hard to try and be who they think you are, but it will always turn into a game of second-guesses and misinterpretations. You can only really be yourself, and the more truthful you are about who that is, the happier you'll find you are.

I want you to not run. I want you to... be able to stand and face the day, and know that running will only hurt you. To know that by standing for yourself, for sticking through and resolving issues, things will be OK. I want you to not have to feel like running will be better, that leaving those who care behind will be easier. If you're scared, fine, that's what those who care should be there for. But just packing up... I don't want you to do that to yourself.

Anyways, like I've said, I'm a fool. Maybe I can't have what I want, and I don't expect that you'll deliever just because I asked. I'm nothing unique. But I do care, and I do want what's best for you, and I do want you to be happy. I don't think I've done a very good job at explaining anything.

Always Around Here Somewhere
-Andrew

So, I basically said it as it is... again. I don't know, there's ony so many ways you can say 'the sky is blue.' But I figured I'd said my part, and if things went the way they were headed, maybe we'd come to an understanding, and this whole issue would dissolve.