John Noble (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jackofallgeeks) wrote2002-02-01 07:18 pm
jackofallgeeks) wrote2002-02-01 07:18 pm
I Don't Like Boys...
I'm confused. Saying I don't know why would be redundant, due to the fact that confusion implies disorientation - it implies I don't understand.
I was just talking to Amber. Amber was a girl who I'd known in Washington State, that land of cold, dreary exile. I met her through the Church Youth Group, which was little more than a joke. Near the end of my six month expulsion, a few of the girls rather took to me, but I think that night of driving 85mph down the highway with the top down at 10pm had something to dlo with it. I donno.
But Amber, and partly her friend Jennifer, had been friends with me, and my two Rats (Gene and Josh) through from the beginning. amber had always seemed taken with me, which frankly turned me off - the mood I was in those six months and my general feeling towards the dating scene did not make me much inclined towards the idea. Nearing the end of the six months, Amber asked me on several occations why we hadn't ever gone out. I have her half-truths for answers - I don't like 'dating', there's someone 'back home', I was only going to be here for a short time - anything aside from the simple fact that I wasn't interested in her. I felt bad for it, but it's the simple truth.
I've talked with the girl on random occations now and again - the extent of each conversation being her iniating it, saying nothing, and wanting me to talk. I'm not one for one-sided discussions (much as this journal seems to be one), and so often she was much more excited about 'talking' with me than I was, though I try to be friendly and do what I can to keep the conversation from going dead. After all, she IS a friend.
Tonight, out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever besides the fact that she mentioned one of her friends was 'otherly inclined', and asked me what I think of that type, she said (after a pause, mind you): "I'm gay."
This made me upset, and that's where my confusion originates. You see, I have no qualms with the number of gay people I've come to know in, really, a short amount of time. I hold nothing against them, so far as their 'preferences' go, other than the fact that it's rather discouraging that all these very pretty girls will never be interested in me. ^_^*
But, unbeknownst to her, Amber's little announcement made me upset. And when I say upset, I mean angry, in a much much more mild sense than the other night when I was angry with Emily. And I wonder why that is.
It could be I don't believe her. Or, perhaps, I don't believe what she seems to imply. I do remember her interested in me, and I DON'T believe someone can just 'turn' gay, and that seems to be her general implication. I don't like people being dishonest or decietful with me, and in one aspect or another, that's what this anouncement seems to be. Or, maybe, it's the mere fact that she HAD been interested, and this new incident could, from that view, be taken as an attack on me, as a person.
I am a made of ideals and standards, and judging by that, it could generally be assumed my standing on homosexuality. I say generally, because it has been shown time and again that my standing is often times not what one would generally assume. I won't get into it now, though if someone specifically wants to hear it, I'm always ready to share (^_-).
And so, I'm either hurt or offended by Amber's 'announcement', and...I don't know. Does that make sense?
I was just talking to Amber. Amber was a girl who I'd known in Washington State, that land of cold, dreary exile. I met her through the Church Youth Group, which was little more than a joke. Near the end of my six month expulsion, a few of the girls rather took to me, but I think that night of driving 85mph down the highway with the top down at 10pm had something to dlo with it. I donno.
But Amber, and partly her friend Jennifer, had been friends with me, and my two Rats (Gene and Josh) through from the beginning. amber had always seemed taken with me, which frankly turned me off - the mood I was in those six months and my general feeling towards the dating scene did not make me much inclined towards the idea. Nearing the end of the six months, Amber asked me on several occations why we hadn't ever gone out. I have her half-truths for answers - I don't like 'dating', there's someone 'back home', I was only going to be here for a short time - anything aside from the simple fact that I wasn't interested in her. I felt bad for it, but it's the simple truth.
I've talked with the girl on random occations now and again - the extent of each conversation being her iniating it, saying nothing, and wanting me to talk. I'm not one for one-sided discussions (much as this journal seems to be one), and so often she was much more excited about 'talking' with me than I was, though I try to be friendly and do what I can to keep the conversation from going dead. After all, she IS a friend.
Tonight, out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever besides the fact that she mentioned one of her friends was 'otherly inclined', and asked me what I think of that type, she said (after a pause, mind you): "I'm gay."
This made me upset, and that's where my confusion originates. You see, I have no qualms with the number of gay people I've come to know in, really, a short amount of time. I hold nothing against them, so far as their 'preferences' go, other than the fact that it's rather discouraging that all these very pretty girls will never be interested in me. ^_^*
But, unbeknownst to her, Amber's little announcement made me upset. And when I say upset, I mean angry, in a much much more mild sense than the other night when I was angry with Emily. And I wonder why that is.
It could be I don't believe her. Or, perhaps, I don't believe what she seems to imply. I do remember her interested in me, and I DON'T believe someone can just 'turn' gay, and that seems to be her general implication. I don't like people being dishonest or decietful with me, and in one aspect or another, that's what this anouncement seems to be. Or, maybe, it's the mere fact that she HAD been interested, and this new incident could, from that view, be taken as an attack on me, as a person.
I am a made of ideals and standards, and judging by that, it could generally be assumed my standing on homosexuality. I say generally, because it has been shown time and again that my standing is often times not what one would generally assume. I won't get into it now, though if someone specifically wants to hear it, I'm always ready to share (^_-).
And so, I'm either hurt or offended by Amber's 'announcement', and...I don't know. Does that make sense?
has the moon lost her memory?
(This is probably why I never like to tell people my story. They see it as my changing from one to the other, and that's just not how it was.... and it had nothing to do with anyone but myself and something I had repressed over the years under the cover of being really homophobic.)
Some weird point I'm not making well is that people can realize things about themselves that haven't been brought to light before. Then again, I don't know how she worded it or how she came to realize this, nor how long she's known. Sometimes teenagers are, shall we say... flighty. I know a few people who, after a month of being "gay" decided that they were very straight. I don't know how that is since, of course, I've tried that and it doesn't work.
But still. Try not to take it as something personal. I'm sure that's not why she told you or what she meant by it. Although I'm sure you know that, too, being oh-so-wise and Andrew-ish. ^__~;;;