jackofallgeeks | In The End, it doesn't even matter...

So, last night Trevor asked how my weekend with Claire had gone. Naturally enough, I was inclined to relive those few days, and I brought it to mind and told him about it. It was really nice, but I didn't tell him everything. I didn't tell him how it felt to hold her, or lay my head on her shoulder. Or what it was like at Williamsburg with her arm around me. I did tell him I wish we were still together.

He asked if it was awkward, and I said 'of course not.' And it's the truth. It's never awkward when she and I are together, and I think that's mostly her doing. It gets very awkward when we're apart, at least for me. I just... cycle through the same things over and over, and when I can't find satisfactory answers to the same questions again and again, it gets me down.

Everyone and their brother seems to want a piece of my personal life, it seems. Trevor went on and touched just about every point that I've considered for the past four or five months. He meant well, but didn't bring up anything new.

Trevor's dad is a Catholic. He got a dispensation in order to marry in the Episcopalian Church. That's not what I want for my kids. But even at that, it's not just a matter of me accepting Episcopaliansm. Claire would have to accept Catholicsm. Much as I've considered it, I couldn't simply 'convert' for no more reason than the girl I love is of that religion. I would feel like a traitor to myself. And... I have to decide exactly what it is I want with my life, and with my family. And perhaps, love her as I do, Claire can't fulfill that. Sometimes you can't have what you want.

-hugs knees to chest-
I just want Claire to love me again.