I would tend to agree - which is why I made the change. I wanted the reader to be sitting there, reading, and have it slowly dawn on them that the situation is not as it seems. I like that, when something turns out to be otherwise than what you expect. However, I was afraid that perhapse my words did not convey my original intend - that is, that this girl is dead. If that simple point were not readily apparent, then I would surely have failed.

I am also a firm believer that while the subtle can be profound, a sudden shift in paradigm can be just as enlightening. Thus, if the case were that my point wasn't made, the sudden slap in the face would produce the same intended result.

Josh has since informed me that the first piece does what I wanted it to do. Would you agree?