jackofallgeeks: (Nevermore)
For those of you just joining us, and maybe a refresher for those who have come before (myself included...):

I met Suzannah in the fall of 2003; I was out at Christendom College in northern Virginia waiting for my brother, who was a new freshman there. She mistook me for my brother and, feeling it was her duty to welcome the new students, introduced herself. We established that I wasn't my brother, and got to talking for a bit and struck up the beginnings of a friendship. Unsurprisingly, I was enamoured with her from the start. I went out to see her a few more time, we went on some evening walks around her campus, and I asked her to a dance at my school in DC. We both thought it was a rather miserable dance (horrid music), but at one point she took me aside and taught me how to waltz, and then invited me to the dancing club they had at her school. I went there when I could (for a while it wasn't possible because of my class schedule), partly to see her and partly to dance. It was also lots of fun meeting the other people out there. Over the summer, I saw her out in Front Royal (where she'd stayed on campus to work) and later in Maryland after she had a riding accident and had to go home.

At some point I told her I was interested in her, and she said thanks but with school and everything she wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. I told myself that was alright, and we continued to see each other; in retrospect I don't think I was really OK with that, and that not-being-OK led to problems. In the fall of 2004 I started to see less of her, through a combination of her being busy and sick, and began to feel slighted. Eventually I imagine she was actively avoiding me, but there's no proof. (This is the time I met Meghan, and in part this is why Meghan and I had a rocky relationship, at least in the beginning.) I got to be anxious and awkward when I did see Suzannah, which didn't help anything.

I graduated in the Spring of 2005 (three years ago today; more than turned 25, buying a house, or my sister having her 5th kid, being 3 years out of college makes me feel old). I saw her once or twice over the summer. Just before I was to move to California -- leaving all my friends and family behind -- she ended our relationship. By email. She acknowledged that it probably seemed sudden to me (which it did), but she said that she didn't know what our relationship was and that whatever it was it made her uncomfortable. So if I would be kind enough to not contact her again, she would appreciate it. (Her words were a little different, but not by much.)

I... don't think I reacted well. At first I was crushed, and replied with a defeated, "if that's what you want." Then I got angry and defiant, and wrote that it wasn't fair the way she was treating me like this. Finally I conceded, wished her well, and said I'd abide by her request. That email from her, ending our relationship, was the last I'd heard from her.

I actually have quite a bit to thank her for, in an odd way: if not for her, I probably wouldn't have met Laurel (My Only Friend in Monterey), and that would have been devastating -- I wouldn't have made it out there at all if not for Laurel.

So, no she's not an ex, but yeah we were kind of dating. That dating/not dating thing is, I think, most of what contributed to my awkwardness and her discomfort. I could blame a lot of things for causing that disconnect, but it doesn't matter much. She hurt me, a lot, but at worst she can be accused of handling poorly a situation she didn't understand. She may have mistreated me, but not out of malice and I think I'm as much to blame as she is.

Why do I want to get back in touch with her now? That's not something I've given much thought to, actually. It's been three years, I'm not who I was then and my situation isn't the same as it was. Maybe too much damage was done in our break-up, and maybe she won't have any interest in getting back in touch with me. But I don't see the harm in giving it a shot. (In part because I don't trust myself to anticipate the consequences of if we DID get back in touch.)

I think a lot of my friends have a negative opinion of her because of the pain I went through after the fact: friends don't like seeing friends get hurt. But aside from the fact that she ended our relationship the way she did, she didn't do anything wrong.

Bad Idea

May. 14th, 2008 11:45 am
jackofallgeeks: (pl4y with 3vil)
I need someone (everyone?) to remind me why trying to get back in touch with
Suzannah would be a Bad Idea (tm).
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I'm sad, and I can't think of anything that will make me feel better.

Part of it is because I keep running into troubles with putting Annie together; like the KVM switch O got not having any cables, and the cables I bought not being quite right, and the on-board sound inexplicably not working. And a very little part of it has to do with my game, Oblivion not being here yet and on top of that the tracking that USPS offers hasn't been updated since the 4th, when they said my package was in Illinois. And a slightly bigger part of it is me thinking about all the wonderful girls I've known and how I've lost touch with them or they don't talk to me or they're happy with boys that aren't me. And I want to say finances are bugging me, too, but as I get a nice salary and I'm getting all my taxes refunded, that's just my brain grasping at straw.

But I have to be honest: the biggest thing that's bugging me right now is... really stupid.

I burnt some CDs on Thursday of last week from UnicronPrime to move data over to Annie. It got to be really mechanical, because I had a lot to move, and only 700MB blocks to do it in. I didn't bother with compilation info, just drag, drop and burn. Yesterday afternoon or evening I started moving the CDs over. They had all been named the same thing: by default they were labeled with the date I burned them. thursday of last week was April 6th. That's Suzannah's birthday.

I couldn't sleep last night. I didn't want to. I started doing pretty much anything to keep myself occupied. I spent several hours between midnight and 3am filing my taxes online. I tried to talk to a couple friends -- Megan, inebriated as she was, was helpful -- but I just felt... off. I wanted very badly to call Rachel, but I didn't. I want to call her now, but I'm not. I wouldn't be very good on the phone, anyways. And I figure, it's late, and she' fine without me, and I'll get over this. I miss her so much. I want to cry.

And it's stupid, and I think everyone out there thinks that I should be over this, that she treated me so unkindly and I should have gotten beyond it months ago. And for the most part I have, and for the most part I do alright, but it still hurts. I don't understand, and I can't let it go, and for that I'm a fool at best.

And I'm scared and I'm lost and I'm alone. And it's the same thing over and over again. I want to be back in Maryland. I want to be with my family and friends. I want to find someone to love. I want to feel like I have something worth working towards, something worth getting up for in the morning, because school and career and video games just don't cut it. And I can't help but feel I'll never find her. Because I'm sad and I'm broken, and nobody wants that.

I have class in the morning.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
Miss Suzannah
===========
01. 'Ever Fallen in Love' by Thea Gilmore
Ever fallen in love with someone/ you shouldn't have fallen in love with?

02. The Duke of Kent Waltz*
<Was my favorite song at Contra.>

03. 'Tell Me Ma' by Shamrock*
<No other song better embodied Contra for me.>

04. 'Fell' by School of Fish
Well I fell in love tomorrow/ but she's got the final word.

05. 'As Lovers Go' by Dashboard Confessional
I'll be true/ I'll be useful/ I'll be cavalier/ I'll be yours, my dear/ and I'll belong to you/ if you just let me through.

06. 'Uninvited' by Alanis Morissette
But you, you're not allowed/ You're uninvited/ An unfortunate slight.

07. 'Go Away' by the Cruxshadows
She said Go/ I don't want you any more/ She said Go/ I don't need you now, my dearest./ She said Go/ I don't love you anymore./ She said Go/ but I don't believe her...

08. Greensleeves*
Alas my love/ you do me wrong/ to cast me off/ discourteously.
<The melody has always been my favorite, and she'd been particularly adamant that it was 'Greensleeves,' not 'What Child is This.'>

09. 'Yesterday' by the Beatles
Why she had to go/ I don't know/ She wouldn't say.

10. 'White Flag' by Dido*
But if I didn't say it/ well I'd still have felt it/ where's the sense in that?
<This was the only 'modern' song I ever remember her recognizing, 'Fields of Gold' aside.>

11. 'Edge of the World' by the Cruxshadows
Why did you come here/ just to break my heart again?

12. 'Either Way' by Guster
You were almost kind/ you were almost true/ Don't let me see that other side of you.

13. 'Take It All Away' by Cake
You keep pushing me away/ In spite of what you say/ I found out yesterday/ That I've been wasting all my time.

14. 'Euphoria' by School of Fish
And I know that it's all my fault/ So I'll try not to complain/ And a heart can only break/ So many times.

15. 'Tears' by Cruxshadows
The damage plagued upon my love/ Driven by this selfish urge/ To separate yourself from me/ But not the way you planned.

16. The Bonnie Cuckoo*
<This was probably my favorite dance at Contra.>

17. 'Someday You Will Be Loved' by Deathcab for Cutie
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend/ As the blood runs red down the needle and thread/ Someday you will be loved.

18. 'Now and Then' by Blackmore's Night
That's OK/ I'll be fine/ I've got myself, I'll heal in time/ And even though our stories at the end/ I still may think of you now and then...

19. 'Ground' by Assemblage 23
Take strength/ In every failure you endure/ Our mistakes have many lessons they can teach.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I talked with Amber earlier today, and in the course of explaining why it was that I felt sad today I mentioned that I was lonely, the Internet had been quiet, and certain people I'd like to talk to just weren't talking. She asked if there was anyone inparticular who I wanted to talk to and I said "Mary, Becky, Emily, Meghan, Suzannah, Jean... you might add Dorothy, but I'm not sure I'd want to speak with her these days." And she asked if I'd had any contact with Suzannah.

Not since August, when she told me not to speak to her again. And I know we've been through this all, and i'm 'better' about it, and i'm sure everyone out there has an opinion of Suzannah appropriate to how they view the situation. And that's all well and good, but... Well, I asked Amber how she would feel if her boyfriend told her, "don't speak to me again," and she said she'd be devastated. And while i'll admit that Amber and her boyfriend are on a higher level than Suzannah and I ever were (even in my own mind)...

The trouble is, I want to get back in touch with her. Because I miss my friend. And I counted her as a good (read: close) friend, and I enjoyed her company and I obviously liked her.

But there's no reconciling any of it. She never gave me a reason or explanation for what was wrong, and all-but told me she wouldn't respond if I wrote to her again. Those were the last words I ever had from her. And part of me wants to write to her and say, "hey, I'm engaged, how's life?" But that isn't likely to happen in the foreseeable future. And part of me wants to write to her and say how much she hurt me; not because it'd be news to her, she knew she was hurting me, but because there's a vindictive part of me that wants her to hurt.

The worst bit is that she left me right before I moved out here, right when I needed friends the most.
jackofallgeeks: (Solemn)
I thought about Suzannah today.
It still hurts a little. Not as much, I think, as it did. I don't think about her all that much these days. Though, every now and then, I wish we were still in touch. There's a part of that, if let loose, would try to contact her, via email, snail-mail, phone, whatever. Just to reconnect. Which, you know, may be impossible; I don't even know anymore what I would want out of a relationship, little 'r', with her. It's the clean-cut (but really not-so-clean at all) that bugs me still. That, for no stated reason, all contact was cut, explicitly. I like to imagine I have a net-beneficial effect on everyone I know. I can't believe that when someone discards me so utterly.
It makes me almost as angry and I am hurt.
jackofallgeeks: (Nevermore)
I had a dream last night.
I don't usually dream.
It featured, for but a moment, Ms. Suzannah.

My entire morning was rather miserable just for that.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I was talking with a friend late last night. We got into some heavy stuff.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not even who I pretend to be.

Talking late at night has always had a particular effect on me. It tears down certain walls.

There's a lot that bothers me about me, when it comes to light. I'm proud for one. I don't like that. I like the self-confidence I have, but I don't like the way I can be selfish, and unwilling to admit my own faults. I don't like how attractive so many of the Wrong Things look to me sometimes. I don't like how not-removed from The World I am. I don't like how I have these strong convictions, this unwavering belief in the Church and spiritual reality, but almost no faith.

It came to me admitting things that I don't like thinking about.

That Jesus died for our sins I can believe. That there's a spiritual existence, that there is God and the angels and the immortal soul I can believe. that there's a heaven and a hell and an Eternity I can believe. That there have been miracles, even, sure, I'll believe that. That there ARE miracles, that I find difficult. I have very little faith that the World I believe in has any bearing on the World I exist in.

And other little things.

I have doubts, and doubts scare me. I've been wounded, and I'm afraid of being wounded again.

I would sooner lose anything else -- a job, my computer, a limb -- than a friend.


We even talked, for a moment, about Suzannah.

It's the same as ever, really. It only hurts when I think about it, but... I really considered her a dear friend. She was important to me. I enjoyed her company... It's better when I don't think about it. -smiles- I want to cry.

I don't think I let myself cry over The Situation until last night. And I know it doesn't seem like it here, and it's only been a few weeks, but I'm really not that bad off. I don't think of her, and when I do, I don't even get sad or angry any more. I just hurt a little, is all.

It was cathartic. And I thought I'd share.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
Something reminded me today of the whole Suzannah bit. This time, it was VNV Nation's Rubicon; a very good song, by the by. Anyways, it got me a bit emotional for a bit (anger and confusion being the prime emotions), but I'm over it. Before you call me on obsessing or tell me to 'let it go,' note two things:

(1) I'm dealing with this, and reasonably well if I say so myself. There's a lot for me to process, and things take time. I was destroyed for nearly a year after I broke up with Claire; this isn't nearly on that scale or level.

(2) This is my journal. It's where I go to vent, and I rarely have to vent except when things are bugging me. As well as I may be handling this, I have to admit it's no small thing, and it is bugging me. I haven't been sleeping well, and my appetite is down, and I don't think it's all just due to my California move. Everything will sound worse than it is when I vent it here.

I know most of you know all that, but I wanted to set it down at least as much to admit it to myself as to remind you all.

I had more to say, I think, but none of it's making sense. I'm running on about 10 hours of sleep in two days, which isn't too bad, but I leave for the airport in about... four hours. So I'm not my most lucid. Have some Lyrics ).
(emphasis mine)

I guess there's one thing I can be glad of, though: it could have been worse. It would have been so much more painful if she'd not told me, if she'd just ignored me and waited for things to resolve themselves. It would have been a lot harder to watch the friendship I thought we had wither and die from neglect despite my best efforts.

I reply:

Aug. 28th, 2005 02:26 am
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
10:13
I'm very sorry you feel that way. There's really nothing I can say, so I'll try not to.
I hope you're well.

-Andrew


10:25
Suzannah, that's not true. I have a lot to say. It really hurts -- not quite as I would expect it to, but it does. Put simply, I'd like to know at the least why it is you don't think we can be friends, why you're uncomfortable with it, because I'm just asking to be friends with you. I think you're a nice girl, and I like knowing you, and few things mean as much to me as friendship.

There's a lot that could be said, and I think it's very unfair of you to treat me this way. But you're right; if this is really the way you want things, I'll do my best to respect it. But I think it's rather cruel and unkind, and I would have hoped for better from you.

Whatever you choose, be it to talk with me or to end it like this, I do wish you well.

In hurt and anger,
-Andrew


1:52, After a conversation with Eileen.
Suzannah,

I wanted to apologize for my last email. I think it was uncalled for; I shouldn't have spoken the way I did. I'm fairly certain you're not trying to hurt me; I'll respect your wishes.

I wish that we might try to patch up our friendship, reconcile whatever's wrong, but not against your will. If you want to contact me, you know how to find me. If not, I'll understand.

I wish you the best.
-Andrew
jackofallgeeks: (Solemn)
Andrew,
This is a little note to say that I've enjoyed our friendship of the past year and a half, but I wish to end it. Perhaps this comes as a shock to you. I realize it must hurt, but I have to be honest with myself as well. I simply am not comfortable in our relationship, though I know it is not romantic at all. I wish to drop all contact; I know you will respect that. Please do not contact me in the future. I bear you no ill will and am sure you will be very successful in California. Please pray for me, as I do for you. God bless.
Suzannah



In case you're wondering, my governing emotion at the moment is not hurt, or loss, or lonliness, or sadness.
It's anger, deep and fierce and smoldering.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
So, yeah, things have happened in the past while. Things which I've wanted to make a note of, but I haven't yet. And now I'm just really exhausted, but I feel I'm running out of time in all things, and if I don't at least note these things, I'll never get them down at all.

I'm sure these are in some order, but I couldn't say what. )
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
Emily: So it was weird; we fell asleep together watching a movie, and then woke up together, and we kissed. I've never had that kind of attention before.
Anastasiya: Try dating him. (Points to Andrew)

So, just a few quick notes. I helped Anastasiya move into school today, which became an all-day affair. Met her roomies and her friend Emily, who was very cool but a little sun-baked. Also realized that, between classes restarting, watching my siblings for mom, and my impending move West, I may not be seeing much of anyone anymore. It makes me rather sad...

I emailed Suzannah four days ago, saying, in short, "I like spending time with you, but it feels like you're ignoring/avoiding me; I leave for California soon, I'd like to see you before then." I haven't yet gotten a reply and, with her classes starting on Monday, I'm not sure there's time enough for it to matter. Which makes me very sad.

I have my apartment leased. I plan on flying out there September 12th. I'm going to be mailing most of my stuff to me. I'll need to buy a bed and a desk, and my parents are going to buy me a bike. Which I'll probably end up naming... I made a bet that I wouldn't... I need new clothes, too; NPS has a dress-code, similar to what I wore during Highschool, but I don't have those sorts of clothes these days. I'm rooming with Stephen, who I barely know, and was having a pretty nice conversation through email with Brian, another NPS'er who I hardly know. Brian has a buddy who's going to be going to MIIS, and we all agree that mingling between the schools will be a good thing. Those at NPS said MIIS is where the military sends it's girls for Master's Degrees. -smiles-

I should go, now. I have to pack up some stuff, and mom wanted to be on the road by 9am. Whee.
As a parting thought, GEEK in binary: 0100 0111 0100 0101 0100 0101 0100 1011
jackofallgeeks: (chixor)
So, today I had lunch ) And visited a friend ). I really can't thank Anastasiya enough, or even really explain what it is I'm thanking her for.

Though, I still don't have that Tarot deck I've been looking forward to, which makes me cry on the inside.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
I had a dream last night. About Suzannah. In my dream, I confronted her about avoiding me, about how I'm the only one putting effort into maintaining any kind of friendship. For a moment, she'd given me a look that said I was being foolish, and for a moment I was ready to just storm off and be done with it. And then I pressed my point, that I didn't want to be 'done with it.' That I was putting effort in because I wanted to be friends. She jotted down a note and handed it to me, and I woke up before I could read it.

I've been Ok regarding this. In fact, I've been so busy, doing this or that, that I've hardly had time to think about it at all until this morning. This morning, I miss her. The worst part about all this, for me, is that it almost feels like a break-up, but we were never really dating.

Sometimes, as in my dream, I just don't care, I'm tired, and I just want to let it die. And that makes me really sad.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
I shouldn't be typing this up right now, as I have work in the morning and need sleep.
To hell with style. Suzannah was mostly unaware of my interest in her as more-than-friends.

We walked around for about an hour talking about it, and it echoed a lot of what was said a few months ago, last Spring, when I first mentioned it all. We talked a lot about being honest and open, being friends, and other related sorts of things. She's still unsure of whether she wants to be married or single for her life (though apparently she's pretty decided against religious life). And she said that while she considers me a good friend, she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me.

Nothing new to me. Nothing's really changed from my side of things. Yeah, a little disappointing, but only because it could have been a lot better. Things are as I've assumed them to be more-or-less since last Spring, though I never really suspected that she might be unaware of my interest.

Anyways...

Papercuts

May. 27th, 2004 11:44 am
jackofallgeeks: (Integrity)
Got an email from Ms. Suzannah, forwarding on a lecture her mentor, Proff. Lloyd, gave on the Matrix a few years ago. (Was the Matrix really released that long ago?) I'm interested to read it and see what was said.

I'm sure she doesn't know how slighted I feel, I'm 'sure' she didn't intend it as such, and I'm surfe I'm just over-sensitive (it's been a curse of mine since I was young). I have half a mind to email her about the slight, and half a mind to just leave it be, at least until I can see her in person again. I don't know...

Anyways, Noon and all's well. I'm gonna run out and grab food, then finish setting up these computers and hopefully be headed home around 4:00 or so.
jackofallgeeks: (Chivalrous)
The Email Said )
The Ecard Said )
I Said )

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August 2012

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