jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I am going to miss it here.
I'm going to miss Laurel and Tom and Jonathan and Chris and Bruce.
I'm going to miss Brent and Haven and the Game Habitat and the weather.
I'm going to miss my housemates, who I really like even if I never get to hang out with them.
There's a lot that I'm going to miss when I get out of here.

But the thought of being able to go home is so great that it makes me want to cry.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
OK, so, Meghan and I have been estranged friends pretty much since she started dating Patrick. I don't like him, I don't think he treats her well, and all told I fear the relationship treads awfully close to "abusive." I talked with her tonight for the first time in a while, and she said they're having problems... And while part of my feels bad that my friend is unhappy, most of me is glad. And I'm only a little bit ashamed of that.

I worry for her. )
jackofallgeeks: (Decepticons)
And This, dear readers, is a major concern for me.

I need people. If I go more than a few days without seeing a good friend (physically in my presence), I start to get depressed. Sometimes having honest conversation over the ether (email, LJ, IMs, etc), or better yet the phone, can stave that off for a week or so. But it's more difficult than one might imagine, it seems, to have honest conversation over such media. And even still, if I go for more than a couple weeks without physical touch, I get depressed.

Psycho-philosophical discussions about what this says of me as a person aside, this is why LJ comments are so significant for me. I can write into the ether day in and day out, and you can consume my musings faithfully, but until there's an exchange of comments there's not even an intellectual interaction. I'm just, as the article notes, a 'faceless wall of sound.' That may be less true for most of you out there, who actually know me in the physical realm, but even I find I lose sense of who the person on the other side of the screen is if enough time goes by.

This is also why I'm a proponent of emails, because of the opportunity for intellectual interaction that it offers. It's not guaranteed, of course. Even speaking face-to-face can be superficial and meaningless. And I think it's a rather sad state of affairs when most conversations one has follow the form of "yeah, so, uhm, yeah." Sometimes I think that, interaction without meaning, speaking without saying anything, is even worse than no interaction at all, if only because it tends to degrade all communication.

And that's what I get up for in the morning, these days anyways. I get out of bed and drive to work and fiddle around with electronics so that I can earn money to allow me to keep in touch with people. so that I can maintain my ethereal presence, yes, but also so I can drive several hundred miles to sleep on a friend's couch (er, 'futon') or just spend an evening out for dinner and drinks. Which, appropriately enough, is what I'm doing tonight. (Uhm, the drinks, not the futon.)
jackofallgeeks: (Seriously Though)
So, Valentine's Day again.
You know, I think there's only been twice that I wasn't single on Valentine's day. It's a curious statistic.
It's become my habit, now, to write a little something on Valentine's Day, at least in part because my opinion of the day is rather split.

On the one hand, I see it as almost insulting. On Valentine's Day, you're either With someone, or you're not. If you're not, the day tends to just highlight your loneliness; an individual on a day devoted to pairs. And if you're With someone, frankly, you shouldn't need a day to allow you -- or remind you, as the case may be -- to be affectionate with the one you've paired with. I think it's actually a sad commentary on our society that we would need something like that.

But I have to concede that the world is like that, and sometimes you do need time set-aside in our busy lives, or it'll never get set aside. And that is sad, but for that, it's good to have Valentine's day. And, for my part, I think it's a good thing to have a day when random signs of affection are 'allowed.'

But, thinking today, I think my difficulties with the holiday come from a certain perspective on the point of the day; more to the point, they can be fixed with a shift in perspective.
I think the English language suffers from an acute lack of words for affection. We have the word 'love,' and only the word 'love,' which can mean significantly different meanings depending on the circumstances and objects involved. The Greeks had it good; no fewer than three different words for 'love,' from the passionate erotic love, to familiar love, to the love between friends. And I think that's the key there. My friend Leslie called February 14th "Love Day," and I think it's far more appropriate.

I am surrounded by love. No fewer than four of my friends are set to be married withing a year, and more than that are on their way, to say nothing of my married friends, and those already on their second or fourth child. I have a wide circle of friends, only a subset of whom are on this site, but all of whom I care very deeply for. And I have a family which is absolutely bursting with love, and cousins who mean more to me than I could properly express in words.

I could go on about how I've been hurt recently, and how that makes me scared. I could go on about how so many people seem to have what it is I lack and want, and it makes me jealous. But the point is that I don't want to be scared or jealous, and those negative emotions will do me no good. Instead, today I celebrate Love, and I remember all the love I do have, and have had, and hope to have in the future. And it's really a much brighter, happier way to look at February 14th.

In short, "I love you guys."
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
So I'm sitting here, at my desk, in the middle of a room which is becoming more and more packed with papers, clothes, and other random detritus of life. And I'm sitting here doing very little else than clicking through the tabs on my Firefox to see if I've gotten mail in the last 85 seconds. Or if someone posted in LiveJournal. or is something might've happened on MySpace, though I'm sure I wouldn't know what I'm expecting to happen.

Aren't I productive?

But that's OK, because I've been working pretty hardcore on this Compilers assignment for the last couple of days. It's due by Sunday at Midnight, and I have it almost done now, so I'm taking a break. It was quite a rush there for a while, crunching on code for hours, figuring out the logic. it was frustrating for a while when the code wouldn't link until I changed something incredibly stupid (I needed it to be a .c instead of a .cpp, which just means renaming the file >.< ). Last night and this morning was spent running some tests on it to make sure my logic was all right -- and save for one line it all was. I'm kind of proud of that. But I owe a lot to the guy here who wrote up the test files I'm using -- if not for him, I would have never found the one logic error I had. And I think it was a big enough error that it really could have effected my grade.

The last bit I have to do is make sure bad input generates the correct errors. That shouldn't be too difficult, and I'm as not concerned with that as I am that it runs correctly with proper input.

-smirk- I'm assuming most of you have a glazed look right now, so I'll try to spice up the post.

It seems like now is the time to find old friends. I recently found a couple girls I went to grade school with on Facebook, and another old friend found me *really* randomly on MySpace. I'm still not sure how she found my profile at all (maybe it showed up randomly on her welcome screen, I don't know), but she said she recognized me from my picture. -laughs- Andrew never changes.

I also got to talk with Becky, who I haven't talked to in a long while. In the intervening time she's transfered schools, but she's still getting a culinary arts-type degree, which is cool. I told her Josh just started College and she said, "I feel old." -laughs- I sent her an email the other day, and haven't heard back from her yet, and not-hearing-back from people always kinda depresses me. I really need to work on that; it was a long email (I seem incapable of being brief), and it's only been a day, maybe a little more, *and* it's the middle of the week and we're all busy. But I still get a little down when I don't hear back from people, and I've had enough times when I don't *ever* hear back from people that it's got some basis.

The Quarter is almost up; next week is the last week of classes, then a week of exams. Which isn't really a week of exams for me -- one course has no exam, two courses are having their exams next Thursday instead, and a fourth class is having a mail-in paper due Dec27th instead. Which leaves just one exam, on Wednesday morning, I think, all week. So maybe i'll clean my room, and actually be packed to leave on the 15th.

My two weeks at home are already being eaten up, and it's still two weeks away! -laughs- I get in the night of the 15th. I think I have a dentists' appointment on the 16th or so, and I'm planning to have dinner with my cousin Christina on the 17th (I think that's what we were planning...? Maybe it was the 16th...). Amber wants to have me over for a '24' marathon, complete with pizza and Chinese. I'm supposed to meet Claire for brunch on the 20th while on my way to visit Sara until the 22nd, and I may (*may*) try to swing by Virginia Beach on my way home to say Hi to a few people I can't see otherwise. The 23rd is the only day my family's all going to be able to get together for a Family Portrait (which I'm looking forward to getting, cause I love pictures). The 24th is Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then The Day After Christmas. I'm having a handful of friends over on the 27th for pizza and visiting and such. Then there's New Year's Eve and New Years Day on the 31st and 1st (respectively), and I fly back out here on the 3rd for classes to resume on the 4th. And I still want to see if I can get together with some of my other friends out there, like Jackie, and maybe take a trip to see people back at CUA.

Crazy stuff there.

What else? I finished 'Dune' last week. It was pretty good, but the sort of book I think I need to read another couple times to fully unpack. I thought it ended kind of abruptly. But it was a good book; I liked it. My friend Laurel here and I were talking about reading the Harry Potter books 'together' (ie, at the same time, and meeting to discuss it, or whatever), but I've been so occupied this week that I haven't started. I was thinking I might this evening. With tea, maybe. But I'm out of sugar. I tried using Chocolate Chips to sweeten it last night, but it didn't really have the desired result. I'm also trying to discipline myself to learn to type using the Dvorak key-mapping (which I've been meaning to have as the subject of a post for a while now, but haven't gotten to it), but I haven't been very good about it. Partly because I hunt-and-peck so well, and partly because my hand are really not used to *typing* at all; any real sort of typing, QWERTY or otherwise, exercises muscles I don't use. Which means it hurts. But I mean to do it.

And I've a couple ideas bubbling around my head for things I want to write -- the World of Darkness novella I've been toying with for the last year or so, but also a story about a certain Changeling character I'd developed quite a number of months ago, and another idea which struck me when my professor, comparing C++ to Ada, said something about "Power versus Safety" in languages...

I haven't heard this sing in a very long time... it's really pretty. Really sad. -smiles-
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Upon returning to your boyhood town, you realize that it wasn't the town you had longed for.

It was your boyhood. )
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
Yes, yes it was. )
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
I think I've used that subject before....no matter, though, it's the first thing that came to mind.
Moving Right Along )
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
Well, with this new development in Nancy's Journal, I suppose The Lurker will no longer be able to comment, huh? Ah well, it was fun while it lasted. I doubt my comments would nessisarily be as meaningful now that my identity is known, but it is her decision, and her journal.

I would like to thank whoever it was that posted anonymously on the 12th, though - not only did they defend me, and not only did they say exactly what I would have anyways, but they covered my bases. If this new development hadn't happened, my identity would have been solidly obscured for sometime to come.
Ah well, even good things come to an end.

Old Soldiers Never Die... )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
What do you think of the past? I will be the first to admit that I don't, though, I would say that in a playful, goofy way. That doesn't ALWAYS mean I don't mean it, but I think in this case, it does. You see, it's really that I think of the past quite a bit. Not to the exclusion of anything else, and not more than anything else, but a bit. I'm not known for my memory, but there are the odd events that stand out in my mind. People, too. I don't like to forget people, and I don't know that I ever really have. But then, had I forgotten them, I really wouldn't know, would I? Ponder that for a while.

Sometimes I wonder if I really want to know the past. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
*Sigh*
I'm feeling outnumbered.
You see, I've come upon a realization.

All my friends are metalheads.
Er, I mean, liberals.

So Much To Say )
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
I think I have a tendancy to leave quicker than I ever arrive.
You see, I visited Leslie this weekend, and I arrived 1/2 an hour before my expected time. I do that.
Leaving, I beat THAT time by nearly an hour.
That's not the first time, either - I got to Claire's very fast both time's I've gone down to see her, but I also left even faster than that.
It's not that WANT to be away...Or maybe it is. Maybe O'm so emotionally charged after saying good-bye that I just want to go, y'know? I just want to get away because I don't want to think about what it might be like if I didn't need to go.
Or maybe I AM thinking of what it's like, and that charges me to go even faster.

But You Want To Hear About My Weekend )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Have you ever not said something, publicly or privately, because you "know" how people will react to it, and that's not what you want? As an example, you intended to make a comment on this or that, but you didn't because you were sure that people would feel sorry for you, and that's really not what you want?

Maybe it's an obscure concept, but I've been told that I'd be hard pressed to find something everyone hasn't felt before. I THINK this is how I feel, but i'm not sure. You see, I'd intended to make this post about an hour ago, but I was determined to get my English reading done. Now, I remember the intent, but not the cause. In any case, it's an interesting point to ponder.

In Other News )
jackofallgeeks: (Happy)
I like my friends.

I'm inparticularly refering to my friends here at College who, sadly, I rarely get to see. But today I saw two of them - Becky and Meg, and I guess you could count Raul (Meg's boyfriend) as one, as well.

In anycase, it's the first time I'd seen any of then since friday, and there was one subject - Claire. ^_^ Becky asked if we were 'you know', and I said no, I don't like the whole 'going out' thing. LOL And SHE said 'you should be!' She said Claire was so pretty, and nice, and everything that I already knew anyways. so I said 'now you're telling me who I should go out with? My mom doesn't even do that!' It was fun. ^_^

Meg asked a similar question, and then told me that Brooklyn (who I think introduced herself to Claire as 'Michelle' though I doubt she heard) had a, quote, 'really cute picture' of me and Claire. I love Meg - she's the awsomest. ^_^

Me and Meg also got to talking about Christmas stuff, and I got her address, and she pointed out 'Timberview' and told Raul she did live in a place with trees. And I said 'They have trees in Florida?' ^_^ She got 'upset' and Raul said 'Remember what you said about my home - you have four powerlines, what?' And I said 'You have four powerlines? That's two more than I thought.' Then I told them that it's OK - SOME of us don't have hometowns, and we got to talking about moving and such, since I'm a Navybrat. Finally we camee back around, and Raul said 'We don't live in wood shacks' and I said 'Oh, I didn't think that' and Meg finished off my thought with 'yeah, I thought you lived in mud huts.' ^_^

I love my friends.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Hmmmm, how does one begin?

I have this friend, one could say, and while I'm not particularly frustrated with them....or maybe I am....For simplicity and anonymity, we'll call said friend "Ben" You see, Ben has a friend, Jerry. Ben and Jerry have known each other for a while - longer than I've known either of them, particularly.

But since they've come to college, the two have changed, it seems. Ben says that Jerry isn't the guy he used to be - he does stupid stuff, hangs out with the wrong people - you know, drinks, messes around with women - heaven forbid he does anything worse, but that seems to be the way he's headed.

Anyways, Ben feels bad because he often feels he just wants their friendship to end - and understandably so. He just doesn't know Jerry anymore. But at the same time, I don't think he can do that, and I told him so. I told Ben that instead of ignore the issues for fear of a confrontation, it's his obligation as a friend to tell Jerry that he's skrewing up.

Sadly though, Ben is deathly afraid of confrontations. It's been said that I have more of a backbone than I admit to, and I simply can't understand Ben on this point. He says he sees it as a test - but a test of what I don't know.

It almost seems to me that Ben just wants to ignore the whole situation and wait for the relationship to wane. But I KNOW you can't do that - I've tried before. All you end up with is awkwardness, especially so when one side doesn't KNOW there's a problem. And it frustrates me that Ben won't see this, cause he's a really good friend of mine. And the way he's handling it, he's just going to end up regretting it. With a confrontation, yes, there MAY be hard feelings, but not only, and it's better than ambiguity. Often even when there's hard feeling the people involved can come to an understanding, even remain friends. You can't just starve a relationship and hope it goes away.

But, Ben won't listen to me. I would talk with Jerry, except me and him have never really been close, and it doesn't SPECIFICALLY involve me anyways. Even if I could get them to talk, I'm afraid I'd earn animosity from both sides if I interfered against their wishes, you know?

Anyways, that's that, I guess...

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John Noble

August 2012

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