I'm feeling again that I don't want to go to sleep. Last night I stayed up until 5am. I'm not sure exactly what the reasoning is; I'm tired, and I should get some sleep if I was to get up tomorrow morning. Which I do. But when I think I turning off the lights and getting in bed... It just seems like such a waste. Like I could be doing something better with my time. Or that there's something about sleep I just don't want to deal with.
I don't dream. Not and remember doing so, at least. Not usually. The last dream I remembered was several months ago, and I can't say now what it was about, just that I remembered it. Unless there's something strong on my mind, I go to sleep and wake up with nothing in between save darkness. And it's not even every time I have something on my mind, either.
I've things on my mind now. Things I don't really want to think about, I guess, though I can only assume so because it's hard to think about them; it takes effort. If you asked me what's wrong I'd say I don't know, but if I sit and think about it, I can probably come up with a few things. And if there's anything history teaches us, those "few things" are almost assuredly girl-related. School and work and bureaucracy are bugging me, but those are conscious worries.
I talked to Anastasiya tonight, and off-handedly mentioned how I haven't been inclined to sleep lately. She half-jokingly said I just need a nice girl to curl up with. While I'm not sure that would help me get very much more sleep, it would make me feel better. Which sounds shallow and pathetic in my ears, but... -shrugs- I'm lonely. We know this. I've never wanted anything aside from a family, and there's no hope of that anytime in the foreseeable future, near as I can tell. And that depresses me. It's a bitter pill, really; I'm in a really great spot if you look at things from one angle. I'm well-paid and on my way to a lucrative career as a highly-skilled blah, blah, blah. -shrugs- That's nice, it really is, and it gives me the financial ability to live my life as I like. But it's a secondary thing to me. I'd take a corporate-drone job if it meant I could have a family.
I was looking at pictures of my old friend Jean tonight. It made me sad, and there's a lot that goes into that that I don't feel like going into right now. I had a crush on her since 6th grade. I... really don't know if we were ever close friends, I really don't know that I ever knew her. We have each other's cell numbers and AIMs and email addresses, but we don't talk. Even if I was ever a part of her life, I'm surely not now. And that makes me sad.
Laurel and I went out a few nights ago... maybe it was Sunday, maybe it was more recent, I can't recall. I think maybe it was Wednesday, because I was feeling down and just needed to get out of the house; just to be somewhere else. Laurel's a really good friend; I wouldn't be able to stand it out here if not for her, and so I'm a bit amused by how we met. Through OKCupid. She thought I was cute, and we had something like a 47% match, which was high from her experience (alternatively, my experience said anything below an 87% was hardly worth browsing since there were so many others above that level). We went on a date, dinner and then a walk on the beach and hours and hours of talking. It was nice, but I wasn't attracted to her. And she figured," well, that's not going to happen" and deleted me from her address books and such. I was oblivious to this, and several weeks later asked her if she wanted to go see Mirrormask. I can't say why she decided to waste more time with me after deleting my information, but I'm glad she did.
She and I spend a lot of time together. I try to get her to go to mass (at the very least because it's poor form for a Catholic School teach to not attend, but that's just what I say so I don't sound like a religious nut), and we get together for dinner or brunch or stuff. She's taken me to the grocery store several times since I don't have a car, and I've started teaching her to play Magic: the Gathering. So anyways, we went out a few nights ago and as we chatted, it came up that we were both thinking along the same lines: for most intents and purposes, she and I are dating.
That's something of a misleading thing to say, though, I think. I don't know. I'm not 'Interested' in her, though again it's a case where things would be easier if I were. The whys and wherefores of that aren't really what I want to talk about, though. But we spend a lot of time together, and there's no one out here who I'm closer to, and she rivals good friends of mine back East; on par with such personal giants as Anastasiya, Leslie, and Rachel at times. And we have a good friendship, which is exactly -- exactly -- what I was in a girlfriend. The thing is, this just further confuses me on exactly what the difference between dating and not-dating is. Intent? Am I a fool for missing the difference? Because if so, that seems to imply that I should be less-open about myself, or, I don't know, less-involved (for lack of a better term) with my friends, both of which seems utterly foolish to me. Fact is, though, that some people have pretty much said just that -- that I really should keep more of me to myself, presumably so I have "something to give" to differentiate my girlfriend.
But like I said, that seems foolish. At the very least, what of friends like Anastasiya, who I have dated? Am I supposed to close myself off to her once we break up? Why does that make any sense? -shrugs- I'm rambling now. I think I've been rambling for a while.
We don't kiss. Laurel and I. We hug, sometimes. Often, actually, as we both seem to agree it's a decent and rather necessary thing. I haven't had hugs the way I need them, really, since high school. Youth Group was good for that. I bring this up because that seems to be a difference. I've always been of the opinion that friends should be 'allowed' to kiss, because it's just a pleasant thing to do. But they don't. And I've came to realize that whatever I say, I can't do that myself. It means too much to me; I can't kiss casually.
Rambling some more. I'm just trying to put off sleep. I'm actually seriously considering just keeping busy all night and skipping sleep altogether. "You'll sleep better tomorrow night," a part of me says, "since your sleep schedule's messed up as it is." I don't know. I'm not sure I could find enough things to occupy me.