jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
So, here I am. After about four months on the East Coast I'm set up in my house with the Internet and everything. And it's really kind of great. I mean, I'll complain about how the whole house-hunting bit was kind of stressful and mildly unpleasant -- my Realtor was definitely irritating -- but after little more than a month I got the house of my choice. And really, I have A LOT to be happy about. I own my own house; I've gotten myself some really nice furniture, including leather couches, a Widescreen HD TV, and a wonderful queen-sized bed. I have a solid job, good pay, family close by, friends, and RPG starting up. I'm healthy and still have disposable income, even after the luxuries I allow myself.

So I'm not unhappy, just... God, am I lonely. I have friends and family in the area, yeah, but when I come home it's just me. I don't like being by myself. When I was in California I would keep to myself a lot -- I get intimidated easily by people who I want to like me -- but at least there were people there. At least I could hear them or see them. I wasn't alone. As much as I like this place being *mine*, it would be worth having a housemate just to have someone to share this space with me.

I want very badly to be a family man. Everyone I know is married or engaged or seriously involved. Several of them are having babies. Sometimes I fear I want it too much, but I don't know how to want it less, and I'm not sure I'd want to if I did.

I have no idea how to meet people. I get intimidated easily by people who I want to like me. I never had any trouble making friends at school or anything. People get thrown together randomly, and we're all just strangers to each other; that I can handle alright. I don't know how to sell myself to people who are indifferent or disinclined to know me. I don't know how to approach people who don't have a reason to want to know me.

Just a little dysphoric tonight. My heart breaks a little each night, just before I turn the lights off. I'll be better again, but I hate thinking to myself, "I have every reason to be happy." Because what do you do when you SHOULD be happy, but you know you aren't?

From PostSecret
I know it wasn't, but I think this PostSecret could have been written for me.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I want to cry. I want to go home. I feel so lost and alone out here.

There's Steve and Marcin, they're good buddies. And Valerie is very cool, though our relationship is pretty much just professional; it's her job to make sure I'm on track and get all my stuff done, but she's a nice lady and we talk casually a lot. And there are the guys at the game shop, Nick and Brent and Haven and Bruce. And my housemates are really cool, but I'm still more afraid of them than anything else -- y'know, 'cause I want them to like me and I'm scared that they won't, and that makes me awkward and clumsy and I'd sooner avoid them than make a fool of myself.

Everyone else dear to me is so far away. And some of them I haven't talked to in so long. And I hate the three hour difference, because by the time I get around to even thinking of calling someone it's getting late on the East Coast. So I don't call. And I'm just tired. And scared. And homesick. I miss my mom. -laughs at himself- I'm such a dork.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I just cried from the build up of anger, frustration, and fear. I can't do what they're asking of me; I'm not capable of it. They want me to write extensive programs in C, I don't know C well enough to write the code they're asking for, and I only have one month before I'm supposed to graduate. C was not a requisite for the program, and I didn't need it for any of my classes. I have effectively completed the program, this thesis is all that remains.

I'm just tired. I'm raw, I have nothing left. And I have no one here to go to, no way to recharge myself. I'm lost.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
So. Kira's been quiet for the last couple of months. I emailed her in March, and again in April, and one last time just a day or so ago. Today I got a response from her, but hardly the sort I was hoping to get (though, in part, exactly what I was expecting). She apologized and said that she hadn't been ignoring me on purpose, just that she was busy with life and work and hardly had time to keep up with her local friends, let alone "someone I haven't met." She said she didn't see "us" going anywhere, just wasn't feeling a connection, and didn't want to lead me on. So ends another relationship.

I can't say I'm not disappointed. I'm very disappointed. Partly because, yeah, she was a nice girl and, I don't know, I liked the potential I saw there, and I feel like (once again) I'm not really being given a fair trial, but... It's just that it's always like this, more or less. In the last few years I've met several girls who were really nice and things seemed to be going well, and then... not. And I'm just tired. I'm frustrated and discouraged and disappointed and... tired.

Being single's nice. For what it's worth I've been enjoying myself. But it's not what I want. And yeah, maybe part of my problem is that I just want to hard, but that doesn't change the fact that when I sit and think of what I want to do with my life, "raise a family" is at the top of the list. It always has been. I can't not want it.

I just wish it didn't always feel like I was being left behind.
jackofallgeeks: (Euphoria)
OK, so before I go on about how sad I'm feeling, I wanted to acknowledge that I do have it good and I'm aware of that. I have a bit of debt but I'm hardly in a rough spot, I'm getting paid to get a higher education, I have friends and family who accept me for who I am, and I live in Monterey California (which is worth something, at least).

That having been said, I am feeling sad and I can't get myself around that. I miss my friends and family, most of whom are hours if not timezones away, and even Laurel is too preoccupied with school and Brian these days to be there whenever I need her. (Never mind that on at least a couple occasions in just the last week I haven't been there when she needed me, so I really have no place to complain.) I miss my siblings and my cousins; I haven't seen the Mock girls in far too long, and I've only talked with Rachel here and there in the last few months. My brothers seem to never be online and even when they are I don't get IMs or emails from them. (Though Gene is good about txt'ing me.)

From the I-WISH-I-had-those-kind-of-problems department, I'm currently torn right now on getting a new laptop or not. Nick kindly pointed out a website where I can get a suitably-cheap, baseline laptop. And I can either get it now or wait another month or two. Waiting a month or two has the disadvantage of, you know, waiting, but if I get it now I'd have to put it on credit because I don't have *quite* that much spare change laying around. And while my Discover card can handle it without much trouble, it's the only one that can and it's the highest interest rate that I have. And I've been trying so hard lately to get my debt down -- I firmly believe I will always have debt, be it credit or loan or mortgage, but it'd be nice to at least feel on-top of it. Part of me wants to meh, I'm going to graduate in September and double my pay, a few hundred dollars in the meantime isn't going to kill me. But another part of me would be disappointed in myself if I did.

On the girlfront... I haven't heard from Kira since early March. I emailed her about two weeks ago, just saying Hi and what not. I refuse to conclude anything from her silence, but I can't help but be disappointed. I just... It doesn't help that I've been thinking about my place in the world, and how unlikely it is to find someone who... "will accept me" isn't right, I have plenty of friends who will accept me, but I feel like I'm just always two steps out of place wherever I go. I'm not a religious fanatic, and I don't want to be and I'm not looking for one, but it feels like I'm not Catholic enough to satisfy the Catholic girls, and too Catholic for the non-Catholic girls. I'm just always the wrong guy.

And I have just slightly more than zero enthusiasm for my thesis. My only motivation for doing it at all is because it's a graduation requirement, and that's almost not enough. I can't seem to make myself get into my research. I have 5 months to write this paper and I can't get the energy up to do it.

I want to go home.

Anyways. Just feeling a little dissatisfied.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
I'm sad.
The Internet's been quiet today -- our router was down most of the day and even when I finally got it up, there was no email and only a couple of LJ posts.
Ended up thinking about Kira tonight. And Ben. I miss him. I'm upset I never really got to know him.
I'm sad.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
A girl who I have never met died in the time between late last night and early this morning, the victim of violence. This makes me ache, partly that she left so suddenly, but much more so for those who much continue on.

The news story on the incident is found Here.

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John Noble

August 2012

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